Slowly She Turned

Midlife refresher!

(read in the voice of an angry Emeril Lagasse)

The midlife / menopause cocktail consists of:
-1 part truth
-1 part denial
-1 part fantasy
-two-tree parts chemical
-a few parts amnesia
-a heaping teaspoon of ridiculous
-a few fuckin parts deceit
-a shitload of what the fuck
-a dash of acting like you give a Shit
-some Grated up yours
-and a large Sprinkling of fuck you, I’m done!!….drink up!!!

Do I sound angry?..ya think?
Am I sad?…check!
Hurt a bit?…M-m-m-hells yeah!
Although slightly exaggerated, the feeling’s in the ballpark. I needed an outlet..so here we are!

I started writing to deal with my sudden life shift. My wife had turned, and I couldn’t figure out what just happened. The idea was, to help relieve my stress by reliving this car wreck through writings. Initially though, it wasn’t working as well as I had hoped. Just imagine a relaxing sauna, but it’s scalding hot; or a luxurious massage given by… Satan! ‘Peace through pain’, I convinced myself, as I ripped off the scab over and over.
Some time into it, though, I realized this might be bigger than me. Men needed to know this, they needed to be prepared for the ensuing onslaught. I NEEDED TO WARN THEM!

If we’re going to be honest, every woman goes through the change, and though there will be degrees of severity, people around them (mainly us) will be affected… or infected. As men, we expect to be oblivious, however, even woman are confused about the transformation. I’ve heard time and again of the anguish of losing their stability and loss of self. This time of life can bring pain, confusion and a U-haul of baggage to what we once considered the happy relationship.
Certainly, some men could care less. The players, the hipsters, the social climbers – they weren’t losing sleep over their woman’s struggles. But for those who did care about their wives and themselves, they deserved better. Those who scoured the internet for help (me), lost sleep (me), lost focus (me); they needed to know what the fuck was going on , and needed an explanation (me, me, & ME AGAIN!).
I never had a clue about it, and I was pretty sure I wasn’t alone! To me it’s clear, there’s a time bomb placed in every woman, and there just might be some collateral damage, so listen up! By the time I started to make sense of it, it was too late for me; I was in way too deep. It was then I decided to be that driver who flashes oncoming traffic. The hero letting other drivers know about the speed trap of menopause ahead. “It’s too late for me, but go … save yourself!”
If I could pull just one man from the quicksand; one brother from the burning building, it would all be well worth it in the name of husbandry. Wrong word!..that’s crops and animals…husbands everywhere!
The thought first, was to dumb it down, do all the stereotypical, basic time of the month shtick, and of course, keep it short for the “attentionally challenged” husband. But as it progressed, the writing gained a voice that had a real quality that spoke to this “house of mirrors” without being preachy, soft, or overly analytical. To me at least, this really was kind of huge!
So if you’re ready for a little dose of keeping it “real”, let’s do this! And if you’re hungry for more, try this delicious recipe…

The Midlife Meatloaf
(in a light, menopausal glaze)

(cue the angry Emeril)

-A pinch of sautéed communication
-1 cup of course replies
-Equal parts disdain and disgust
-slowly stir in 12 cups of anger
-1 lb ground “really don’t give two shits”
-shape into large phallic symbol…and put aside to go fuck your self later!
-throw in blazing oven and cook till black
-let cool indefinitely on counter
– then throw that shit out…
I jest…sort of…
…help is on the way!!

Hey now, you ready?
The concept, the pitch!…wait for it… Menopause! Boo-ya… yep!. And it gets even better!
It’s by a guy, for guys, right? Better walk behind me, ’cause the money’ll be falling out my pockets! Ladies and gentlemen, who wants a piece of this money pie? I say “Fran”, you say “-chise”. “Fran- (chise)!” “Fran- (chise)”!!!!

So cue the Michael Jackson song…lighters up!
♪ “You are not alone…
I am here with you…” ♫
OK, maybe that was a little soft.
So let’s end it rough.
If you’re hungry…try the meatloaf.