GONNA BE SOME TROUBLE…

Let’s be clear right off the bat, I have not done exhaustive testing or research. I’m a musician not a doctor, there’s no medical degree here…but what I do have is a wife and the internet, so I’m now like everyone else…kind of an expert. Let the rant begin!!!
A Chemical imbalance turned Bruce Banner, a mild mannered scientist, into the Hulk. Same guy, different reaction. The good doctor weighed options, made sensible decisions. The Hulk, not so much, kind of an impulse guy…wore emotions on his sleeve without a shirt. Am I saying my significant other resembles the Hulk?…Nooo.., he’s green…but, yes…there may be a small similarity in the recent menopausal rewiring. Is there really any doubt that hormonal chaos could change a being’s “outlook”?.. hmmm. My spider sense tingles!
I’m writing this for the men, not to demonize the wives, but to basically give a heads up to what is, and might be happening to you. To let you know how hard your wife is struggling, and to let you know that, although you had a hand in building this drama, right now, it’s nothing you did, and nothing you can undo. The hormones are running the show, and this is a real reality show – and it can get crazy…Fast!
Why do people, male or female, not know about this? This is history, chemistry, biology, psychology, sociology…basically all the ologies. For our sanity, people, school is now in session!
It should be mandatory, I say, for a justice of the peace, for instance, to volunteer a reality check, much like the warning label on cigarettes. “You’re cool now, but later, that cancer…not so cool!”
The Minister steps to the mic…

“is this on?… I’d like to thank everyone again for coming together tonite to celebrate the marriage of James and Brittany. Theirs is a special union of true love, passion, respect and understanding. So special, that these two were not brought together by chance, but by God and the universe itself. Theirs will be a life of joy and infinite happiness…however, on this side of reality, 20, 25 years down the road, it’s gonna get a little tricky, a bit rocky, actually insane is more accurate…everything I said is true…right now, but you see, the love boat, which will gently rock with the waves from time to time, will suddenly get blown way off course. What actually comes up from the deep around 50, J-a-m-e-s, is a storm that will threaten your vessel, even as the sun shines. A tsunami from “that” side of the bed, young man. 20 years down the road boy, you better batten down the hatches, because a rogue wave IS coming for you! Just trying to keep it real, James. It’s comin’ off the rails. Now, nothing personal Brittany, but this young man will be drowning and won’t have a life jacket. You at least have a vague understanding of what’s in store during the “Menopause” chapter, but even you can’t comprehend the iron grip of those hormones that will tear your emotions out daily, and have you questioning this day and this union…
Anyway, I digress, this is your day and it’s a glorious time, so let us celebrate. I now pronounce you man and wife, you may kiss the bride!…. (Psst!…keep your head down around 50, James).”

You just need someone to tell you that yes, communication is key, and yes, you need to listen and be caring, and all the rest of the classic relationship advice that we hear but never “hear”, but in addition, some wise Grandfather or old southern gentleman to tell it like it is when you are 20 years in…(use Southern accent)

“Gather round young ones, and listen up good…let me tell each and every one of you the dark secret that few will ever find out about until it’s half past too late! Something so big, that it can change the course of everything you believe to be true about lady folk. That includes gettin’ hitched and true love as we think we know it. You see there may be a time in the not so distant future when your lady, your “soulmate”, the love of your life may become… well… unhinged . That sweet little cutie pie might just become plain unrecognizable. You see, no one will tell you this before hand, but those so called lady hormones, mainly the late stage ones, well they really do rage like the mighty Mississippi…they can switch up a lady to where she just don’t know which way is up. She won’t know what she knows, who she loves or what’s even happening…and if she don’t know, you certainly can’t know! Now you self-centered cowboys are thinking, that’s awfully bad for her, but what’s it got to do with me? First you got to recognize that y’all lean strongly toward the west side of dense, or shall I say, you’re all clueless, no disrespect, but you boys are all so full of yourself right now, when the pretty little thing is rubbing all up on you and makin’ goo goo eyes, but in time, as the seasons pass, and with mother nature doin’ what she does, you might just be left suckin’ your thumb and cryin’ like a kid who don’t get candy before dinner…askin’ …what the?…This is real, a black hole son, and it’s been kept under wraps for ages!! Hopefully when I’m through, you might be able to say ‘I don’t like it, but at least I can…almost understand it.’
Prepare yourself…there is an ill wind, dark cloud headin’ your way!”

Yep the last few years of my life could have been a whole lot smoother if there had been some high school health class that did some sort of role play to prepare me for the future of marriage. Some AP Relationship class. Something like they do in the “scared straight” program. The one where inmates let troubled teens feel what prison is really like. The course might have a simulated love interest come to class and berate you one day, love you the next, hit you with silence after that, for a marking period or maybe a year. You then move to a Masters in Marriage, PHD and even higher, and then maybe, just maybe, I could’ve seen it coming!
….Catch phrase!….. “Menopause…It’s waiting for ya!”

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